overumbrate

A Shadow of Love

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 19:27:15 GMT

Divorce and then new romance.
A wonderful thing. The most wonderful thing I had ever encountered.
We met we kissed we loved.
I had to come home.
Now we don't talk. We don't write. We don't mention one another.
She needs time to think things through maybe. However...
I am feeling more and more it was simply a shadow of love...

Shadow Black

Fri, 02 May 2008 20:27:50 GMT

I almost didn't go a month without posting.
Can there be a word more evil than "friends"?
Sometimes it almost seems like it is used as a weapon. A cutting sword for the heart.
But what is most horrid is when you have turned the sword on yourself. When you hurt someone and they react in kind. A simple lie and you have ruined somehting good.
Its like suicide love that.

So now I'll lay down in the darkness
Put my head upon the shadows
And forever wish that forever was something else...

Overshadowed Heart

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 15:36:44 GMT

This week the curse seems to be in full swing. But I will not be daunted. I will stand steady and win.

My previous despair has dimmed over, has become numb. I suppose that years of being withdrawn and emotionally deadened has in some ways made it easier to retreat into the darker recesses where the novacaine for the soul is strongest. I am sure it is a good thing but still seems like a pity somehow.

There are many, many pities flying about just now. But little is having an affect on me today. Its sad to think that this is a good day.

When Shadows Come to Play

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 00:50:02 GMT

A real facedown tonight with a very real monster who hides not under the bed but in the darkest recesses of our soul. I can't go into detail without sounding quite insane (apropo as that may be) and though I doubt I have any faithful readers I still would rather maintain some grip on reality even under anonymity and under shadow...

The struggle assured me that communication with anyone just now is a bad idea. I need't have worried because said target of my affection is sick and most likely in bed under medication.

The main question that plagues my mind is...how far will you go from keeping a threat from an angry spirit from becomming a real danger? Especially if the only way that danger can come to pass is through you?
How far indeed.

Shadows of Past and Future

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 13:04:54 GMT

Looking at my last entry. Just ugh. What was wrong with me or my keyboard just then?
I'm at work and it isn't really my break time yet. But I needed to go somewhere and write something and anywhere else is overburdoning.
I have escaped she who loved me, who could not have my heart because I was not sure there was a heart to give.
And yet, even now, I have found the stirrings of that ancient evil emotion. Is it wrong for the courts to have not even declared one union broken before I fall into another, of sorts?
Distance...many miles but less than a full day's drive. And when we have typed...I had let some of my skeletons out of the closet...no they are not gay skeletons (or wern't when they were killed and burried). There is so much darkness in that distant past though. Things I did that I hadn't told anyone else about, no family member or friend other than those who were there.
I am not sure it was right to share these things so soon. I could scare this fascinating creature away before we ever meet. But what is done is done and cannot be undone.

But now the taunting voices of something from my past. Assuring me that I am doomed and that this path leads to folly and failure. I'm stronger now than when I was that miserable child contending with the monster. But last night the only thing that seemed to change is that I can actually make a dent in the inanimate object along with my fist...
Some battles leave us hollowed out, worn, sore, tired, and feeling rather pathetic in our self pity.
And behind it all "he" laughs. Back there in the confines of my mind.

Perhaps things will be better when I replace the automobile that I allowed the "other" to take in hopes of making this seperating process more amicable. I will be able to leave the confines of my hosue and actually go places. See living beings even if I never really belong to them.

And that's enough for now.

Clouds and Shadows

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 12:44:12 GMT

A rainy day out and this is not a bad thing. I tend to like them. But it was all I could do to get out of bed. I do't have to rise and shine, so to speak. Its my day off and I am free of those who would control me, love me...
My only obligation today is to join my brother for a movie called Jumper. I am hoping for some entertainment but am not expecting anything as thought provoking as a cat appeaing instead of the main character...nothing so Schroedingeresque...
I have been receiving emails from the first person I ever claimed to love back when I was a new adult and had some hokey romantic notion of the emotion. If I knew then what I know now...just to be cliche'. I'm not sure I would necessarily change anything other than being a better friend than I was back then. Now that I've matured and don't have a constant battle with my hormones I feel that I might have lost quite a bit in some of my choices. Upward and onward though. Living with what ifs can tear you apart and I have enough eating at my insides just lately to live in that quantumish world. At least we still email after all these years and very terrible things. It makes me feel like we have something resembling a friendship left.
I have feelings in other directions this morning as well but, perhaps, I shall spill those words in another forum...

I shall try to come back to this in less than a month this time...

Days of Shadow

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 13:03:18 GMT

The Holidays have come and gone. A death in the family to make one think of just how alien he is. At one time he had something in common with cousins if not with aunts and uncles.
Now in this bitter ceremony, the first time he has seen them in years...he realizes just how much of an outsider looking in he really is.
Now thinking about it, he realizes he feels more importance in choosing the right Presidential candidate than he does in connecting with his own family. But that is just self preservation.
The memories of his lost family member in times that were normal and happy do little to ease the dull oddity that has become his state of being....

Is that all there is to it then? An observer of life never to touch life coming together with the family only to help them mourn their dead and give encouraging words they expect to hear?

How strange the view from here as Geoff Tate would say...

I shall endeavor to write more in the near future. An odd life does not necessarily mean a time-free one. Alas.

Shadow Play

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 17:48:35 GMT

So.

Goulash. From the Hungarian Golyas (though I may be slightly off on my spelling, my Hungarian is a little rusty...as in I've never learned the language).
I've grown up believing that the dish should properly be made with noodles, tomato paste, hamburger, onions (if one must), and maybe chopped tomatoes. When eating it in the Southern US, I was disturbed to find it a gray gravy-like dish. I then learned of another person who had it aws a noodle soup.
In doing some simple research, I found the Hungarian dish differs greatly from the American dish to begin with. The Hungarian dish uses paprika and peppers, with stew beef as the meat ingredient. It is much like a soup dish and resembles not hardly at all what I grew up eating. I also discovered that the American Ghoulash has gone through so many changes and varies so much from region to region that one should not even say "I love ghoulash! Give me some of that!" because one might never know what they get. Now. If that person is the adventurous type then more power to them. I wish I had an adventurous pallet but, alas.
So the closest thing to what I grew up eating might be considered New England Chop Sewey.
Whatever it is called, I just finished some with noodles I don't recall the name of because the store was out of elbow noodles. It was delicious. But, because I can never leave things alone, I tend to add BBQ Sauce to it. Sweet BBQ especially adds an interesting taste. Very Yom in my book. I would also suggest adding a hint of BBQ Sauce to your speghetti sauce if you are one who cooks speghetti. It is Tres' Bien.

Yes. I gave a cooking hint. And I likely gave it to myself which is silly considering that I know how I prepare my food. That is Ok. Time is pretty much always wasted if you think about it. Stretched out to an odd angle that it is.

So really what else is there? Goulash is the epitome of our states of being. How far have we come from the intended recipe I wonder...

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."
Oscar Wilde

In the Shadows

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 13:53:12 GMT

I'm not really expecting folks to read this. Its really just something to remind me. I need something because I forget so much nowdays. Time seems to have stretched out in an impossible angle. Things that seem recent are from years ago and things in the here and now seem intangible. Sometimes I feel I should wake up and it will be the days when I am young again. The bad 'ol days as one of my best friends, one of the people in this strange world that actually understood me, would say.
I'm like Dexter, save the killing part. I can honestly say I've never killed a human being and, with my most basic nature, never have wanted to.

I've never even wanted to hurt another person, not that I've been able to avoid that.

The worse part of it all is being stuck in the shadows. I give off a sense of the different, the truly different. I sat in a room full of folks in costume last Weds and still felt out of place. It wasn't the lack of a costume, I wasn't the only one ther eout of costume. It was just me. I have nothing in common with these people. I have nothing in common with any "normal" person my age. Perhaps Mom was right, those years ago, when she said I was out of touch with reality.

Just so you don't get this wrong (as if there is a "you" out there), it isn't so much that I want to have something in common with the "real" world. Its just that I wish there was someone to connect with that is in the same boat. Or, failing that, I wish I could escape the world. I can't. I have all the same things Dexter does, you see. I have a family and a signifigant other and a boss and fellow employees and even friends. But when it comes right down to it, I am not in touch with any of these things. I spend more time with this machine than I do with any living person and, I think, I always have. Since Commodores and Apples were the "in computer".
The one person that took my out of syncness, even in its most disastrous forms, and matched it move for move word for word- is gone. Moved on to better things. Oh, we share words now and then on a great, great occasion. But they have a whole new life.

So there are the basics. Am I insane? Most definitely. But I am functionally insane. There is no threat of me stepping over the edge into the great abyss as that wonderful fictional character I keep mentioning. But, alas, I also think there is no chance of the "mask slipping". Though folks detect something once in awhile (i.e. the strange man sitting alone at a table at the Halloween bash) I think that the mask is a good enough one that there's no danger to myself or others. No one will have to look on the real me, in all its terrible glory and the real me can stay huddled in the darkness where it belongs.

A little melodramatic? Perhaps. True? Every word.

Barring a whisper in the dark. I will return to this when and if time permits...

"And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."
Frederick Nietzsche